Tyce hasn’t been eating much today–small little servings, here and there. We are in a holding pattern until the next diaper, which I was hoping would have been here by now. At this point it has been over 48 hours since a thorough diaper. A few small blips but nothing substantial. He has given us several full grins today, which eases his mama’s aching heart.
I have spent quite a bit of time in waiting rooms throughout this process. It seems all the TVs are tuned to the Hallmark Channel Christmas programming. There’s one movie that I always catch, in 30-minute intervals here and there. I called Nick yesterday and begged him to find a way for me to watch the rest of Angels and Ornaments…cheesy or not, I had to know how that darn movie started and ended! He handled it, and last night after the children were asleep, I
endured enjoyed that cheesy movie in its entirety. Itch scratched.
Today I almost crumbled under the weight of it all. Due to a perfect storm with our insurance company, I’m writing this in an uncertain moment that Tyce’s care will even be covered by our insurance policy. That is scary, as this could be an ongoing journey and will surely be highly expensive.
So, like every day before today since this whole thing dawned, in came the sniper, with a sneak attack that found its target. I crumbled and stressed. I promise. There are witnesses. I hit the floor.
It wasn’t pretty.
It was a while before I remembered my armor, of Him and His thick presence, all over me.
…Hold fast what you have, so that no one will take your crown. He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he will not go out from it anymore… Rev 3
I told you the Lord has asked me to let you watch. Not because I have any intention to be admirable on this climb, but because I have full confidence that He will be. Ironically, the thing about doing this whole journey so transparently is that now even my responses to my private moments are keenly in the forefront of my mind.
I still walk around sometimes as though ashamed of my humanity, forgetting entirely that our Father, in His great love, created humanity. We were intentional. My most vibrant life is hidden behind the heartbeat that me, exactly as I am, when surrendered to His great love, is the platform for His glory. I say it to Nick over and over: I just want them to see His glory. I want them to know who He is!
I have not once prayed for the mountain to be moved, though He already has lightened our load in many ways, because so many others pray for our comfort. The only prayer I can utter is for the strength to climb. To overcome.
Each moment, I take my broken doubts and my anxious scrambling and allow them to break me open.
Each moment, my trust and hope in that dark place, a monument.
And a seed of faith, that the identity and calling of the Lord on our young Tyce be fully made manifest among us. I will not permit a single word of the Lord within him to fall from our minds. This is simply the beginning of his story.
My Father has never once left a thing unfinished.
Bright moments: Dax peed in the potty today, all for the reward of wearing his fireman rain boots. He also stood patiently at my feet with his face upturned and his lips puckered for several minutes, until I leaned down and kissed him.
Aly’s wearing her blonde hair as close to an Elsa braid as we can manage. So she’s happy too.
Tomorrow is the biopsy.