Heavy Heart, Rest Stubbornly

Heavy heart
I am out of energy to coax you upward
I have wrestled you
all day long
and you fight back
as though you know something I do not

Help me
I hear myself crying out
but will not allow my lips to say the words
There is no one to say them to but One

All of men rest in two places
Flesh, that they would stroke it
or Spirit, that they would say what my spirit already knows
and resents the repeat

Heart, hearken to me
There is steel in this
I will not negotiate with you
You will not betray yourself

The strong blood of this Daughter runs pure

I will not short-circuit my trust of my Father
in my haste to feel better
Even now his chesed reaches out to me in thick layers
wafting like the smell of pancakes over my hungry lonely heart

I will not give my voice to my fear and heaviness
and give it permission to become alive
It tempts me to speak that I might lend it power
Even it knows who I am
It sticks and pokes me that I might complain
and my breath yield it to life

But I am no fool

Voice, I will limit you to the sounds a daughter makes

I will call the Name I know
I will whisper through the heaviness
and turn my heart and remind it to trust
Implicitly trust
without reserve, trust
So fully so fully
that fear becomes annoyed by invincible identity
and slide away, tired of being so embarrassed in its impotence

I will not betray Him in my weak moment
This heart though heavy is His and always is
It is pure and true and steady
and heavy
Steady and heavy
He will find in me a true and faithful love
He will glow to find monogamy in me.

I am one of His favorite ones
and today it is costly to keep my place
here among the shards flying at my eyes and heart

Heart, stay your rest

Heart, you will heed the word of The Daughter
Rest is learned here
Rest is for this moment
Heavy heart, lay yourself down upon Rest
and be still.

Hearken to the breath of this Daughter
her Father’s breath as she speaks now
The true sound
Therein lies your direction
Be made upon the Center of Him
and lie still
Rest stubbornly

One thought on “Heavy Heart, Rest Stubbornly”

  1. Diane, you continue to amaze me with your insight and the way you express things. I’m praying for you in this heaviness time for revelation, for resolution, and yes, for continued steadfastness in trust.

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