All The Tears You’ve Never Cried

Weeping

I heard heaven.

When I say that, I mean I actually heard heaven.

I was at the keyboard at WHO Koinonia. Suddenly I was ushered into that place, such that we were playing along with heaven in the most brilliant perception of full worship. I don’t know what was making that sound, meaning, I didn’t hear voices, just the most beautiful cacophony of sound. There was no space between the sounds of that place, no discernible parts like the choirs I’ve been in.

We were worshiping along with the sounds of heaven, yet somehow our sound was better.  Randy explained later that our sound is more beautiful because it was the sound of sons and I knew immediately that was right. I am a beloved daughter–my heart searched His and saw His heart like a sponge and as dangling microphone, that listened achingly for our song. We were singing it. We were singing with heaven.

It was so beautiful that I broke, tears pouring out of my face until I couldn’t see, couldn’t play, could barely stand. Lauren noticed I needed her and she came to take my place at the keyboard and I retreated to a private corner of the stage, weeping. I kept hearing it and I kept weeping. Someone came and I clenched my eyes shut–I wanted nothing to interfere with staying in that place. I wanted more and yet I couldn’t even ask for it. I was bursting.

And then, it was gone. It echoed in my ears like a tune that can’t be forgotten. My natural mind tried to reason that I should stop crying but then, my spirit was captured.

I was weeping. Sobbing. I asked Him why I couldn’t stop crying.

And then I heard Him: These are all the tears you have never cried.

I didn’t have flashbacks that took me back over my life. I didn’t recall actual stories of offenses or pain. But I knew immediately that I was crying tears I had never let myself cry before. All the times someone hurt me. All the times I felt one way but acted another, trying to be tough, to be a grown up. Not letting myself to reveal my tender places for want of a safe place to be encouraged, be loved, be seen. All the times I swallowed the truth of how I felt inside, just to avoid judgment or looking like a fool. All the times I forced myself clam up and man up, better confident in my own strength than in my relationships. All the times someone teased me and the joke wasn’t funny.  All the times someone forgot about me. All the times I was falsely humble in the shadow of great men and went home later, gagging blood.

All the times I swallowed the hot tears of my gentle, feminine heart.

There were a lot of them, and I cried for a very long time.

These are all the tears you have never cried.

After a while, Nick was there, and I wept harder, so aware of his constant safety for me.

These are all the tears you have never cried.

After a very long time, the storm abated and I sat there, completely wiped out. So aware of how soft my heart felt.

And suddenly, how much stronger and more vulnerable I felt. I was so aware of my beauty and value.

I was soft inside and felt myself at His chest. This isn’t a place I typically know how to reach for so He took me there, knowing I needed to be taught. Knowing my soft and strong heart wanted to be shown the way home.

There is so much more I could say but sometimes the simple telling of His love is better than all the spiritual postulating. May the love of our faithful Father bring you into the depths of encounter with Him, where there is the full and deepest healing of your brave heart.

I love you,

Diane

2 thoughts on “All The Tears You’ve Never Cried

  1. Oh, Diane, how beautiful. I found myself crying some of those tears myself, but not all of them or to the depth you did. What a treasure you are!

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