Crown at the Pawn Shop

So I just need to write this and put it somewhere: the Father really spoiled me today.

I stopped treating him like a blessing dispenser a long time ago, trading that in favor of realness with Him. I stopped focusing on my stuff (well, mostly) and decided to go all-in on His heart. I wanted–I still want–Him.

I forget sometimes. Friends buy nice houses or go on fun trips or easily part with $100 bills and I wrestle for a little while until my roots send nourishment back into my heart. They make suggestions for my life that are way more expensive and out of reach for me than they realize. It used to embarrass me or break my heart for a little while. I’m stronger now and my heart guards my reputation less tightly. But sometimes it’s still tough.

Some days, I took off my crown and stared at it, torn between putting it in my savings account and taking it to the pawn shop. Not once during those times did it occur to me that the crown was most valuable on my head.

But when Abundance became a Person, everything of Him became available to me, His daughter. So it’s become a lot more about my heart now, and what my heart seeks for fulfillment. It has become about discovering Him and our ownership of all the cattle in the places where I am tempted to fill my belly with their feed.

One of the things I sort of habitually sidelined is my personal care. (There were some things–hello, salt-n-peppa– that sort of forcibly became non-negotiable.). But the luxuries–the special girly touches of things that reinforce my beauty—those suffered under things I priortized more highly. Nick would never ask this of me; it became evidence of a devaluation I had of my own care–as a super practical personality, I mistakenly reduced my value in the name of frugality and called it maturity.

I’ve been allowing the Father to shift this in me and I have been a hot mess. I have splurged foolishly, withheld in fear, and avoided entire aisles just to avoid the internal wrestling. I have been stingy with important things and lavish with empty things. I have judged others based on my own emotions during this process and held them to an impossible standard, measured by my own pain and frustration.

I’ve hated every moment of it. But all of this is my Father. Every moment is His commitment to who Diane is, and her complete transformation to His likeness. He knows that as long as this root remains, His generosity, His wisdom and Spirit Abundance will only be theory in me. I trust Him, despite all the chaos at war within me. He is reality–all else is symptoms of His healing of the cancer in my mind.

The Father has really been showing me the meaning of femininity and as my heart changes, some of my decisions in this area have also changed. I went to the store one day and bought myself a super girly shower soap. I threw out clothes that had waved the white flag. I tested and decided upon a new perfume and paid full price. I had never done that before, bought myself perfume…I’ve always just stumbled into someone’s hand-me-downs or freebies that I didn’t really love but still wore. Every morning I put it on, my heart sort of laughs.

So, to the story of today: in the last few weeks, I began to notice that the skin on my face was aging, quickly. I was privileged to use some really great skin care products earlier in my life and knew all my face needed was the basic care of some quality products. I pushed that aside though, knowing their expense, and smeared some bargain lotion on my face. I tried some makeup tricks but I could still tell. I carried it around in my heart but didn’t really let my mind dwell on it.

But then yesterday, Nick commented how beautiful he thinks I am, and I let it come out, how tired my face skin looked. I even told him how close I was to plunking down serious money for skin care and a great eye cream, just so I could look in the mirror and see a face that looked like the life I feel inside. I knew he wouldn’t discourage me from doing that if it was important to me–but I knew there were financial goals in our sites more valuable than expensive skin care. So I shelved it.

Later that day, I was sorting through my bag and Nick noticed a gift card I had forgotten about–for Warm Springs Day Spa. There was a note written on the side: $82 remaining. I was ready to tuck it away again, for the moment in which I needed a massage or something, but Nick said: would they have skin care?

My head shot up, eyes wide. Yes, maybe they would. I didn’t really let myself get too excited, but I did hope. This morning, despite a long list of things to tackle, I shoved it all aside and threw the boys in the van. I walked in and checked the balance–even though the gift card was 2 years old, it was still valid, and yes, there was $82 on there. I scanned the wall. I knew they carried Aveda, but would they have skin care?…yes, there it was, a whole wall of excellent options.

I made my selections…cleanser, face cream, eye cream. Dax carried them to the register and the dear one at the register rang them up. Then she told me of a sale–an extra $20 off. At this point, I wanted to weep because it was just so exciting and special. I walked out of that precious moment paying only $25.

And I know–I’m telling you, I know–that my Father did this. That He provided a sort of oasis for me in the forge of this particular lesson. And this afternoon, when I put the boys down for quiet time and I open all the packages and test them all out, I am not going to cry. I’m going to let the treatment of good care soak past my face and into my heart.

His goal is to convince me of His way. His perfect, complete, abundant way. He is dissolving the link my soul cemented between finances and my value. So that finances will no longer be a prop for my value. Instead, that supply for every good thing would flow freely from His heart into mine, and into reality–the faithful river of Spirit wisdom bringing real life to everything around me, and in me.

The daughters that the Father disciplines, He also delights to satisfy. He is a Good Father–it is Who He Is.

One thought on “Crown at the Pawn Shop

  1. Oh, Diane! You are so loved, and I rejoice to see you knowing it in deeper ways. You are such a treasure to me.

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