365 Day 255: December 17, 2020

So, I would prefer to entirely delete today’s episode. It was very difficult to record, and harder still to post. I know I have the freedom to do whatever I want to do with these videos, but I feel an invitation that leads beyond what I can see right now. So I’m going to stay the course, despite my intense sense of humiliation and vulnerability–and frankly, a steep certainty of foolishness.

Submitting to this session led me to a stream of living water I could not have predicted. I rarely go back and watch what I record, but this time, I did. As I listened, I thought, I sound like a woman dealing with infertility. Indeed, the longer I listened, I realized that someone who did not know me might listen to my heart’s cry and think I was longing for a baby.

In some ways—deep profound and personal ways—this is ironically and unapologetically true. There is something developing in my spirit that wants to come out, something unexplored and wild and profound. Something big and purposeful and fulfilling. I have grown weary and disillusioned in the process, in the ambiguous, in the loneliness. I suspect that ongoing spiritual pregnancy is what causes all the little, physical reminders of delay around me to bother me in such disproportionate ways. If you opt to watch this dumpster fire, it’s pretty clear I’m spinning out and trying really hard not to be. Trust me, tonight was beautiful and horrible, just as I suspected.

It was also worth it, as all friends are.

But the stream of living water is this: babies develop so they can be born. The comfort was found when I heard the Spirit whisper, bless the baby inside. I still have not done that, but only because I’m scared. I will obey that counsel, soon. I cannot express the rumbling I feel inside of me. It’s exhilarating and terrifying and somedays I think I’m losing my mind. But during this season of Christmas, with my own invisible baby growing inside my spirit, I was reminded of Mary’s trek to Bethlehem on the back of a donkey and I felt a inexplicable comfort. The baby will come. Every woman endures her final months in the comfort that soon, she will hold what she has been so long carrying.

I don’t know when or what “full term” is for me. The Lord has not shown me. But I have seen enough to take comfort. God help me keep my hope in the waiting. “And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord.” – Luke 1:45 NASB

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